Flashes

Every once in awhile I hear, read or see something that sends me right back into the NICU.  I have a tendency to follow other twim moms or soon-to-be twin moms' blogs.  I love to see other families like ours and steal any advice they have.  A mom I follow at  Balancing Act, just had her twins at 28 weeks.  Her story just took me right back to the week I was in the hospital and the days that followed. 

How I was so certain that I would be returning to work that day, even though my water had broken the night before.  How I was moved every couple of days from L&D to Women's Care and then back again, and again.  How the babies might be coming today, nope not today, maybe today... The 5 am blood draws.  Endless amounts of time hooked up to the monitors and nurses struggling to keep both babies on.  Two nights in a row of intense pain and having to reach that magic number (7) that I thought I would be willing to reach before the doctor was called for pain meds.  A nurse trying to convince me that my intense pain was just gas pain or heartburn when it really was preeclampsia and HELLP.  Finally being told that my babies were going to be born and then the waiting.  More bloodwork and more waiting. 

The day before S and E were born.

Walking into an operating room full of people but no familiar faces.  Wishing I had actually read something about c-sections so I knew what to expect.  My sister and husband finally joining me.  Worrying about my husband making it without fainting.  Finally hearing cries from E, who was a whooping 3 lbs. 8 oz., and then from S, who was 4 lbs. 10 oz.  The NICU nurses asking if I wanted to hold my baby (only S, E was too fragile) and desperately wanting to but not being able to because of reactions to the surgery.  Throwing up, almost on my sister, as they were putting me back together. 

Shaking with cold in the recovery room.  Being covered with blankets and inflatable blankets to get me warm and to stop shaking.  Finally moving to a room and being able to eat.  Asking over and over when I could finally see my babies.  FINALLY, 8 hours later, being stable enough to be wheeled into the NICU and see my babies that I had waited over 4 years to have.

 S and E's birth wasn't easy, just like getting pregnant wasn't.  The 2 months that followed weren't easy either.  I am grateful for the new mom memory and forgetting some of the hard parts.  But I still remember my first NICU breakdown.  Nurses shouldn't be able to ask if you are okay after you learn your little boy isn't coming home tomorrow because he had another brady.  I still remember the pride I felt after sucessfully calming and quieting and putting my colicky little boy back in his crib and then having to leave.  I remember trying to imagine S sleeping peacefully in his crib all day while I took care of E at home.  (S had a reputation for crying in the NICU... a lot.  My little boy is a snuggler and I can't imagine how desperatley he wanted to be held.  The nurses held him when they could but that wasn't enough.  I couldn't leave if he was crying.)

Oh the memories.  Someday they won't be so painful because we will have a lifetime of happy memories to help the painful ones fade.