Failure

Today was one of those days that I feel like a failure.

The morning started off pretty good.  I got up.  The kids got up.  I finished drying my hair and getting ready and the kids played in our room.  No one lost an eye.  S didn't stick q-tips in his ears.  I made the kids breakfast.  The babysitter came and I managed to get to work on time.

Once at work I realized and remembered the feeling...failure.  I wasn't ready for the day.  I for sure wasn't/am not ready for my class to show up tomorrow.

I got home and the kids were happy.  Not so happy to see me but they were happy with the babysitter.  S was trying to get the babysitter to hold him instead of me when she was trying to leave.  I thought your kids are supposed to want you not who watches them all day... failure.

We had to go to the grocery store.  I really don't like taking both kids alone.  It is hard, really hard.  After I strapped a screaming, hitting, back arching littler girl into her car seat we were off.  (Little miss is super attached to my purse.  It is the first thing she does when I get home.)  On another note.  My little baby girl is a hitter.  Big time.  Me. Her brother. The dog.  I don't know where she learned it but it is bad.

Made it into the store.  Managed to get one child into the car cart.  When I tried to put S in with his sister I was met with more screaming...fail.  So S just got to sit in the cart and talk to me. 

We made it almost through all the shopping.  Once we hit the check out things really fell apart.  I just don't understand what they expect those of use who need the cart with seating for more than one child to do once we take them out.  Nineteen month old twins don't listen very well and it is very hard to find my shopper reward card while trying to contain the two of them.  Not to mention the fact that they didn't have a cart for my groceries to go into so I couldn't put one child in there.  And then they sent the bagger to a different line.  Argh... fail for them? 

So after corralling the two kids and trying to pay and look some what sane I attempted to put an uncooperative child into the cart.  It took only 3 tries.  Fail.

While putting E in the cart and carrying a 30 lb. S we slowly made it to the car.  Once I put S into the car I returned to the cart to find that E had found the grapes and was helping herself to them.  After yet another fit, since I had to take the grapes to put her into the car, every one in and safe.

Hitting, screaming children at the grocery store = a feeling of failure.  It was really just E, and she was hungry.  I should have avoided the store but with kids showing up at work tomorrow and back-to-school night on Thursday there just wasn't another day to do it.  Needless to say I'm going to be avoiding the store for a few weeks. 

Miscellany Monday... on a Tuesday

1. My life has been CRAZY the last month.  We went on a two week road trip to the Pacific Coast.  I had intended to write about how to travel with 18 month old twins.  Our trip included a LOT of car time, some family visits, the kids first trip to the beach, my first time to Oregon, and the kids first flight.  I guess it all comes down to this... take along a set of grandparents.  Travelling with grandparents is WONDERFUL!  They are willing to stay with the kids during nap time, they help feed them, they help push strollers, and a ton of other stuff too.
2. When we got back from our trip we had 10 days to get ready to move.  We moved into our house almost 9 years ago.  We were just newlyweds.  It was the perfect house for us then, but not now.  I intended to write a post about moving out of our first home too. 
3. We moved into our new house 11 days ago.  Since then we've painted two bedrooms, a bathroom and a family room.  I guess I shouldn't say we... I only really did touch up on one bedroom and the ceiling on the other.  The people who lived here before us were not great painters and let their teenagers do their own rooms.  Yikes!
4. Yesterday I had to go back to work.  Summer is over.  This summer's end snuck up on me.  I wasn't  am not ready for school to start.  I'm still in the organizing the new house mode.  I have a new teaching partner this year.  My old work husband teaching partner decided he wanted a change a moved schools on me.  He had been there 15 years and it was time for him to have a change.  Working with someone new is hard.  I like my new partner... another male teacher, but he isn't the old one.  (I did get an e-mail from the old teaching partner saying, "I miss my old teaching partner."  It made me tear up.  New guy will be good but I don't think he'll be as fun.)  Just a side note... I don't actually have anything against working with a female but I teach 5th grade and we had lost our ONLY male staff member and we were hoping to find another one.  New guy is great and happens to be male too.
5. Our new neighborhood is known to have a snake problem.  WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME BEFORE?!  I am very afraid of snakes.  I saw my first one today.  It was only a 6 in. garter snake but still it scared me enough to make me shriek and quickly get the kids and I inside.

My Hometown

My home town has an image problem.  Growing up I was quick to point out that even though my address is in the city, I lived the the unincorporated county.  Even though it is one of many suburbs, it has never been one with a good reputation.  Drugs and gangs are the main offense.  It is a big town and not all of it is bad.  My hometown's reputation was mostly known by others in the state, until recently.

We were in Oregon with my parents on July 20th.  We had stopped to fill up for gas when the attendant (there isn't self-service in Oregon) mentioned there had been a shooting in Aurora, Colorado.  I can't say if he mentioned how many were killed.  Near where I grew up and where my parents has just moved from is a theater.  It is within the city limits.  It is also less than a 1/2 mile from where my best friend since the 6th grade lives.  We looked for a newspaper, but it wasn't in the morning paper.  We don't have smart phones and we were headed to a National Park.  All day I worried that someone I knew was in that theater.  We worried that it was the theater down the street, knowing that there are many in Aurora.

When we finally made it home and learned the details I was relieved to learn that it was not the theater down the street but one closer to downtown Denver.  (When the names of the victims were released I didn't know any of them.  My brother did go to school with one though.)  It was the theater that my high school boyfriend worked in as a manager.  The one that I had attended many late night showings of new movies.  I learned that this tragedy happened way too close to home. 

As I got my haircut yesterday I was talking to my (new) hairdresser.  She asked where I grew up and I replied, Aurora.  I knew what would pop up next in conversation.  My hometown is no longer known for drugs and gangs but a mass murder.  She asked if it was true what the police were saying about the area.  Was it really that safe?  This was hard to answer. 

Growing up the Aurora Mall was the only mall around.  We would go there fairly regularly.  As time went on the mall and the surrounding area has changed.  During my high school years I remember my mom talking about trips to the mall and how uncomfortable she felt.  It wasn't really some place you would go late at night.  I don't think there is a place where you could expect an event like this to happen.  This is a result of a person who needs help and unfortunately people like this exist everywhere. 

I still will defend my hometown.  I have nothing but great memories growing up in Aurora, Colorado.  (Although I really didn't LIVE in the city limits.) It isn't a bad place to live.  There are amazing and wonderful people who live there.  One person should not be able to stigmatize the entire community.

Shopping

This morning I went shopping... alone.  It was heaven.  Our babysitter sends me a text once a week asking when she can get her baby fix.  It works out really well for me.  She usually just takes the kids for the morning and I go work out and just wander around town.  It is good for S and E too, so they don't forget her over the summer.

Today we have 6 house showings.  So instead of going to work out I cleaned the house for the first three.  Then I went to Barnes and Noble.  I love bookstores.  I got some coffee and wandered a little.  I was actually looking for a Carl book.  You know, the one about the Rottweiler that watches the little baby?  E loves them and I was hoping to get her one for our road trip.  No luck.

Anyway... I walked by Christopher & Banks and almost walked by but decided to go in.  I never shop there but the store is closing so I thought I might find something good.  I have been looking for the perfect denim skirt for almost 2 years.  I have a maternity one from Gap that I love but I just can't wear it unless I'm pregnant.  Well I found one in Christopher & Banks.  It is the right length (slightly below the knee), a-line and slightly stretchy.  The only downfall was that it wasn't on sale.  Oh well, I didn't want to miss finding it again so I bought it.

I headed to the Loft, hoping to find something bright to wear for our family pictures in August.  I tried on a blue sweater and grabbed these pants just for fun.  I loved them!  I couldn't justify the price and I knew they would be in the store for awhile so I'm waiting.  They were so cute.  Maybe I've been wearing the wrong style of pants.  They will look great with a simple top and with E's red flower dress for our pictures and they're dressy enough for work.

Then I went to Gymboree.  I knew they were having their sale and I was hoping to find some winter clothes for the kids.  I can't believe their dresses and sweaters were only $6.99.  I bought all this for about $50.

Now all we need is one of the 6 people to buy our house today.

Fill in the Blank Friday....

"If I could get away for the day, I would go...."

to the mountains.

We will be here in a little bit more than a week!

The heat has been brutal here, almost all summer.  Sometimes there is just nothing better than a crisp mountain breeze and feet in the river or a lake. 

Flashes

Every once in awhile I hear, read or see something that sends me right back into the NICU.  I have a tendency to follow other twim moms or soon-to-be twin moms' blogs.  I love to see other families like ours and steal any advice they have.  A mom I follow at  Balancing Act, just had her twins at 28 weeks.  Her story just took me right back to the week I was in the hospital and the days that followed. 

How I was so certain that I would be returning to work that day, even though my water had broken the night before.  How I was moved every couple of days from L&D to Women's Care and then back again, and again.  How the babies might be coming today, nope not today, maybe today... The 5 am blood draws.  Endless amounts of time hooked up to the monitors and nurses struggling to keep both babies on.  Two nights in a row of intense pain and having to reach that magic number (7) that I thought I would be willing to reach before the doctor was called for pain meds.  A nurse trying to convince me that my intense pain was just gas pain or heartburn when it really was preeclampsia and HELLP.  Finally being told that my babies were going to be born and then the waiting.  More bloodwork and more waiting. 

The day before S and E were born.

Walking into an operating room full of people but no familiar faces.  Wishing I had actually read something about c-sections so I knew what to expect.  My sister and husband finally joining me.  Worrying about my husband making it without fainting.  Finally hearing cries from E, who was a whooping 3 lbs. 8 oz., and then from S, who was 4 lbs. 10 oz.  The NICU nurses asking if I wanted to hold my baby (only S, E was too fragile) and desperately wanting to but not being able to because of reactions to the surgery.  Throwing up, almost on my sister, as they were putting me back together. 

Shaking with cold in the recovery room.  Being covered with blankets and inflatable blankets to get me warm and to stop shaking.  Finally moving to a room and being able to eat.  Asking over and over when I could finally see my babies.  FINALLY, 8 hours later, being stable enough to be wheeled into the NICU and see my babies that I had waited over 4 years to have.

 S and E's birth wasn't easy, just like getting pregnant wasn't.  The 2 months that followed weren't easy either.  I am grateful for the new mom memory and forgetting some of the hard parts.  But I still remember my first NICU breakdown.  Nurses shouldn't be able to ask if you are okay after you learn your little boy isn't coming home tomorrow because he had another brady.  I still remember the pride I felt after sucessfully calming and quieting and putting my colicky little boy back in his crib and then having to leave.  I remember trying to imagine S sleeping peacefully in his crib all day while I took care of E at home.  (S had a reputation for crying in the NICU... a lot.  My little boy is a snuggler and I can't imagine how desperatley he wanted to be held.  The nurses held him when they could but that wasn't enough.  I couldn't leave if he was crying.)

Oh the memories.  Someday they won't be so painful because we will have a lifetime of happy memories to help the painful ones fade.

Water

I grew up swimming.  My parents put me into swimming lessons when I was 6 months old.  I started swimming on a year round club team when I was 8 and didn't stop until I was 18.  I love the water.  As I have gotten older I have begun to realize how very important it was for me growing up.  The mindless laps were my meditation time.  I never thought I needed alone time until I no longer had 2-4 hours a day of silence in a pool.  My team was my family.  Middle school was really rough for me.  I know it is for a lot of girls but I often think that swimming really saved me.  I belonged there, it built my confidence, and I fit in.  I was more than happy to go to 5:30 am practices before school and then practice after school too.  My friends were there, even when I felt like I didn't have any at school.  I was the only middle schooler practicing with the high school boys team, and that builds confidence.  (It didn't help "the boy" was on the team too.)  Swimmers aren't really known for being the "popular" crowd.  It is hard to be cool and attend all the social things when you have practice Friday night and Saturday morning.  Not to mention 3 day meets out of town.  It gave me excuses to not drink and do all those things that high schoolers do.  I might not have been strong enough to say no on my own but it gave me a great excuse.  It helped that my swimmer friends weren't into that either.  So the water has always been a comfort to me.

Mr. P on the other hand struggles in the water.  I tried to help him learn to swim and a couple of summers ago he finally was able to jump into the deep end.  Granted I had to be there, just in case but I was proud that he had overcome his fear.  My sister-in-law and her husband also live on a lake so our visits to them include boating and water sports.  Mr. P is able to enjoy all of that with a little liquid courage and a life jacket.

So saying all this before S and E were born Mr. P and I would talk about what sports the kids would play.  No soccer, baseball, or gymnastics... maybe basketball and volleyball.  All that being said if they want to play, we will let them.  Well when they were still in the NICU, S often had As and Bs.  This is part of the reason he was there for nearly 8 weeks.  It took awhile for the doctors to find out it was all being caused by reflux.  We always joked that S was just working on holding his breath because he is going to be a swimmer.  As S has gotten older it seems as though he and I come from the same pool.  (Ha ha...)  My boy LOVES the water and I love that. 

On Father's Day we had a picnic by a river and after throwing many rocks we got in.  Now this is mountain stream water so it isn't warm but S threw a giant fit when we tried to take him out.  He was in seventh heaven sitting and splashing in the water and grabbing rocks from the bottom to throw. 


He ended up with just his t-shirt on.  The shorts had to go.

He has always loved the pool.  He tries to blow bubble but really just licks the water.  He loves to splash.  The first time we went swimming his dad even took him under a waterfall.  His sister on the other hand screamed the whole time she was in the water.

A couple of days ago we were watching some older kids and we thought it would be fun to get the plastic kids pool out.  Well, Mr. P decided to get the sprinkler first.  It was still mid-morning and not too warm and I wasn't sure I wanted the kids wet yet.  Well, once the water was on S and the dog were in it.  In minutes S was dripping wet.  He happily played in the sprinkler and then in the pool until it was time to get out.  He was the only one, out of the 4, who actually sat down in the water.  Last time we played in the little pool he spent the whole time laughing hysterically at our dog, who loves to "catch" splashes.  Those two will have YEARS of fun in the water together. 

Notice the very dry little girl next to him.  She eventually got in but she wasn't so sure about the sprinkler. 



I'm excited for the years to come of spending time in the water.  I hope that as the kids get bigger and learn to swim that they still find joy in getting wet.  I hope they are never fearful, but cautious and careful around the water.  Most of all I hope they find a little slice of the comfort and calm in the water that I found growing up.  If S decides to be a swimmer I will do my best to get him to early morning practices and sit through DAYS of meets to watch him swim for a total of 5 minutes because I know how important time in the water can be.  If he just wants to play in it that is fine with me too.