Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Green Eyed Monster

My friend who went through IVF shortly after me and who has a beautiful little girl, is pregnant. It was a surprise and natural and I am beyound jealous. I'm happy, so very happy for her but incredibly jealous. I want to be pregnant again too.

Sunday, April 8, 2012


Growing up we attended church sporadically. My siblings and I were active in sports...mostly swimming and so we spent many, many weekends away at meets. My parents weren't really religious but passed on traditional "Christian" values. Other words they taught us to be good, kind members of society.

Fast forward about 10 years... I met my husband in college. Well that is not entirely true. We met online, AOL Instant Messenger to be exact. You know, back in the day, when you could search for people. Anyway, we "talked" and we found that we had similar values. The funny thing is that our church backgrounds are very different. You see, my husband grew up Mormon. His parents are still practicing and so is one of his other 3 siblings. He hasn't attended church since he left home.

During our time before kids (12, I hadn't thought it about that way before) we talked a lot about raising our kids in a church. We both like the sense of community and the values that are taught and hopefully modeled. Also, it never hurts to surround them with other families who think the same way. That being said, neither one of us really is into going to church or becoming very involved.

After I left home my parents became more active in churches. My dad even worked for one once he retired. They, of course, would love for us to attend and belong to one. After they moved up to our town last fall they have been church shopping and recently have found one that fits what they are looking for. We have attended twice with them. (Neither time has gone well for little girl, bawling both times when we picked them up. Service times don't really work well with our nap/eating schedules.) The hardest part about coming from different church backgrounds is that what feels "normal" to my husband and I is completely different. Guitars and modern music not so normal for the husband. BUT he does really like the pastor at my parents new church.

So all this is a lot of background about church today. I find that I cry frequently at church. Something just gets to me. (In the past it has been about Mother's Day, no fun.) Today they had a video clip of a couple at the church who happen to be in the church band. They spoke about their twin boys who were in the NICU and how they looked to God during that hard time. I felt like it was directed to me. Then they sang this song:

Cue the tears...
"Oh, my baby, when you're older
Maybe then you'll understand
You have angels to dance around your shoulders
'Cause at times in life you need a helping hand"

There are certain times in my life when I did look to a higher power. I had to let all of it go, let someone else be in control. That was hard for me when all I wanted was a baby. Or when all I wanted was to stay pregnant for a little longer. I couldn't do anything about it so I didn't worry. Laying in the hospital with my water broken at 32 weeks pregnant, I just let it go. What would be, would be. Waiting, for those almost 8 horrible weeks for S to come home... ugh. I often feel like my babies are a gift from God. I know, I know...but they are a blessing. And I know they have someone looking out for them.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Just Thoughts...

After awhile of struggling with infertility I started to hear about friends and acquaintances that had miscarriages. I've always thought that it was better to be a never than a was. I can't imagine the pain and heartbreak that a miscarriage would cause. To have your hopes and dreams and future being planned and then taken from you. Heartbreaking.
I have 3 high school friends, that I know of, that have lost babies. No, not due to a miscarriage but shortly after they were born. The most recent, a 3 week old to apendicitis. I haven't talked to her since high school but from what I know this little boy was not an accident but an answer to prayers. Prayers 3 years in the making. My heart aches for her. I cannot imagine the grief that she feels. To have, and to have held and cared for and loved this little boy and all that he was to become... ugh. Heartwrenching.
I read stories (they're all over on blogs) and I just cry. Being a mother I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child, at any age.
I'm so thankful to have these two beautiful, spunky, funny little people. I am constantly reminded how lucky I am.