Tragedy

I didn't go to work today. I went shopping with my mom. I had a wonderful day thinking about Christmas and trying to find gifts that would bring joy to the recipient. We made it home, dragging, to my babies and Meg. Meg then asked, "Did you hear about the school today?" I got a lump in my throat. My thoughts immediately went to my class. Today we had our first lockdown drill... at 9:45. Luckily it wasn't my school.

As Meg went on to relay the event to me I could only think of what would that be like. How could this happen in an elementary school? I can't even imagine how that could happen. As a teacher I wonder if I could have stayed calm and thought clearly to lead my class to safety. Then I started to worry about my kids. Did they hear about what happened? Would their parents be able to calm their fears? Fears that usually surface during a lockdown drill? Fears that we normally explain with the small chance that something like this would ever happen, but it did today. Fears that we can't calm with details about exactly how we would react if someone were to show up in our building. Fears that all of those kids in that building will have for a long time, if not forever.

I think about the kindergartners in our building. They are innocent. They believe in Santa. They believe in the Elf on the Shelf. They draw pictures that have to be interpreted and stories that need a subtitle. They need help opening their milk and putting on their coats. They shouldn't have to worry about or see their classmates killed. They should not see their nightmares in real life.

Do I think we need to outlaw guns? No. Do I think teachers should carry guns? Definitely not. Do I think that we, as a society, need to do something different? Yes, but I can't say what that is. I do believe that the people behind this mass shootings are hurting. They may need mental health help that isn't covered by insurance or that isn't detected or properly treated. They may have experienced trauma that they weren't able to work through. Maybe they have not felt needed, loved or supported. Again I think of the 20 little-ish people in my room every day. It is my job to make sure those kids have what they need. If they don't get it at home, it is my job as a teacher to make sure they are loved, supported and heard. It is my job to make sure they receive the help they need. And it is my job to be their protector.

I found it on Pinterest...

So I was browsing the kids category on Pinterest waiting for my cookies to be done baking, instead of the million of other things I should be doing.  (Grading, cleaning, getting ready for company, sleeping...) And I came across this: How to Prepare for Twins.  Naturally I had to read it.  I was wondering what I should have done differently and if I agree with what you should do.  BUT it wasn't about preparing for twins once you find out you are already having them, but how to make sure you get pregnant with twins.  All I have to say is SERIOUSLY?  Get fat, eat cassava and talk about the desire to have twins and you'll be able to have them.  That is crazy talk. 

Miscellany Monday

 

• Why is that weekends are either fun or productive?  This past weekend wasn't really very fun, but I was finally able to get the floor clean, made applesauce, apple bread at ate at home every meal.  Gotta love Pinterest when you need to use up some apples.

• I think we are finally over the yucks at our house.  E got croup on Halloween and S and I have been battling it for the last week.  I only almost lost my voice on Saturday but I had a nice sore throat all last week.  No wonder E was so grumpy while she was sick.
• Someone broke my classroom window last Thursday night.  We have had a lot of graffiti and vandalism around my school for the last year or so.  It looks like a BB but luckily it didn't shatter the window, only put a hole in it.  I've felt like I'm teaching at night the last couple or days with the cardboard covering my only outside window.  Hopefully it will be fixed tomorrow.
• I have a little drummer boy on my hands.  A couple of weeks ago Mr. P took S to the last high school football game.  (We had gone to most of the home games.)  This time S came back and would talk about football and immediately follow it with dum dum dumdum.  The boy LOVED the marching band.  We always sat behind the band because they are entertaining but this time it has really stuck with him.  We got a book from Chick-fil-a by Mercer Meyer that has...instruments in it.  He loves to look at the page where there is a drum set and a marching band.  I've been finding him drum YouTube videos and it is soo cute to see his reaction.  I too have a love of the marching band drums.  There's nothing that screams love football like a band.  Now I just need to get him to play his little drum to Little Drummer Boy.
• We listened to Christmas music tonight...I can't wait.
• Little girl is ATTACHED to my leg.  I don't know what to do.  She won't leave my side and most of the time she wants to be held.  It is exhausting. 
• S and E are into "helping" me cook.  As soon as I got the mixer out tonight they were dragging over chairs to stand on.  I tried to give them the job of taking the stems off of the spinach tonight... we need to work on that.  :-)  At least it kept them entertained for a while.



Today

What I want to remember about today:

1. Little E slept in our room last night, she has croup. I was nervous to have her so far away and being sick without a monitor on. I wanted to be there if she had a coughing fit, cried after she coughed or woke up and needed comforting. I thought she'd be up around 4 am when her last round of ibprophen wore off but she didn't wake up until I had to move the pack-n-play so I could get some socks.
2. E wanted to eat this morning! Hooray. Who cares if she just ate Jello and a few bites of a banana. (I'm pretty sure all she ate today was: the Jello, banana, a cookie, a smoothie pouch, some grapes, a couple of OtterPops, and two mini packages of M&Ms.)
3. How great our babysitter, Meg, is. She offered to watch the kids today even though E is sick. The kids LOVE her.
4. A text from Meg today that reads, "S decided he wants to go on the potty today so he has a pair of pull-ups on and runs to the bathroom every 10 minutes. Ha!" When I got home and went to the bathroom he came in and he wanted his diaper and pants off so he could sit on the potty. Silly Boy!
5. After texting Meg back and forth I got nervous about how E was acting and not eating or drinking, when I went down to talk to the school nurse the first thing my principal asked was if I needed to leave. This was after my teaching partner asked me if I needed to do something and he'd watch the kids. It is great to have such a supportive and understanding workplace.
6. Pride for my 5th graders. They have been really working hard on a region project where they are working in groups of 3 or 4 to make an iMovie. They have done an AMAZING job. I had my doubts but they proved me wrong. They worked great in groups and were able to make great videos. We might need to work on the content but they did a good job. So proud of them!
7. Being able to go out with friends for a drink (of Diet Coke tonight) and good conversation. I sure miss my old co-workers.
8. A smiley boy opening the door to the garage door saying, "Mama!" What a great greeting.
9. Snuggles with my sick little girl. I love that she wanted to be held when I got home. I also love that S was able to get his socks and find one shoe and bring them to me while I held his sister. It is amazing how much they understand these days.
10. That the first thing S said when he got home from the football game with his dad was his sister's name.  I love that he thinks about his sister when she isn't around.

Miscellany Monday

Not linking up but posting with Carissa at lowercase letters:

 

1. At swimming lessons today E was a crazy girl.  We took last week off because we were at the zoo and I think she has refound her love of swimming.  My little crazy fish kept trying to join the older kids, she jumped and jumped like the swim club kids doing dry land training and she did one mean version of "If You're Happy and You Know It".

 

2.  My poor furry first born, Maddy, has been to the vet twice in the last month.  She is on her second round of antibiotics.  Hopefully she feels better for her birthday on Wednesday.  Little Girl will be 9 years old.  She LOVES Halloween.  I just need to dig out her costume.  

Last Year

3.  This year I attempted to make costumes for S and E.  I have a hard time buying something for one day, and not really finding something I liked.  Last year we got a dog costume from the second-hand store and a skunk from a friend.  This year the kids will be gnomes.  We did a trial run on Saturday and the kids did a great job.  E's costume needs a little bit more decoration though.  They both kept their hats on and E enjoyed the extra attention.  Now we just have to figure out what we're going to DO for Halloween.  Do you take almost 2 year olds Trick-or-Treating?  I know WE don't need the candy.

 

4.  Is it bad that I drink a cup of caffeinated tea at 8 pm so I can make it until 10 pm awake? 

 

5.  S is on a roll with his words lately.  Tonight he was talking about the frog (the slide at the pool looks like a frog), his socks, and new in the last week or so is eat.  I think the boy wants to eat all day now that he can tell you about it.  He is constantly bossing the dog around too.  "Maddy sit."  "Maddy down."  "No Maddy No"  Someday she might realize he is talking to her. 



First Born

This is me and my first born.  (Sorry for the extreme close-up.  It was the best I could do tonight.)  We had been married less than 6 months and had barely lived in our new house for a month when I found her.  The backyard was begging for a dog and I was lonely. 

She was an eight week old puppy who had been surrendered at the humane society where my sister was working.  They didn't think she's pass the temperament test.  She was possession aggressive.  My sister wouldn't let me see her until she had passed. 

She did and she became my LBG, little baby girl.  She was nameless for a few days.  My husband wanted to name her Dizzle and I just couldn't let him do it.  One great attempt at convincing him I said, "Do you want to be a 30 year old yelling for your dog named Dizzle?"  He reminded me when he was 30 that he would have been just fine yelling for a dog named Dizzle.  At any rate she is Maddy. 

Maddy has been a spoiled dog for most of her life.  She got a lot of attention and went on a lot of walks, and runs during the 3 years I pretended to be a runner.  She slept on couches and sat in my lap without any competition.  She got to go for rides in the car and was chased around the house.  She got to sleep on the bed. 

She has always been my "brown shadow".  She is a mama's girl.  I often trip over her because she is always there.  She has been my crying buddy when we couldn't get pregnant.  She was my baby when I couldn't have my own.  She was/is my wintertime companion when my husband is gone most evenings coaching basketball.  She slept next to me during most of my three day bed rest after IVF.  She was the one thing I missed when I was stuck in the hospital on bed rest.  I cried into her fur when I came home baby less. 

She has done great with S and E, as I expected she would.  But she is getting older and grumpy.  The hardest part is everyone wants to be near me.  The kids want to be on my lap and Maddy wants to be right next to me, but she doesn't want the kids to touch her.  I think having two toddlers around has aged my little baby girl.  She will be 10 at the end of October.  (We picked Halloween to be her birthday because it is her favorite holiday.  She LOVES the little kids who come to the door.) 

We still see glimpses of the crazy Maddy she used to be.  Tonight she found a green tennis ball.  (Poor girl, all her toys are still packed away.)  She ran around the house like an 8 week old puppy.  Silly dog.  The kids thought it was hilarious and were a little bit afraid she was going to knock them over.  She'd run into the family room and back through the kitchen into the playroom and back again.  It was so funny.  I tried to get S and E to chase her but they weren't so sure about that.  They did get to throw the ball and she bounded after it.  I hope as the kids get older they get to play with Maddy.  She does love to be chased and does a great job of dropping the ball.  I hope they love her as much as I do.

I sit her typing while she lays next to me on the rug...always my brown shadow.

Time Out

Since E turned 18 months we have been trying timeout to help with her hitting. When she gets mad or frustrated she just reaches out and whacks someone or anything that is nearby. Unfortunately it is usually S. S is so easy going to he rarely reacts anymore, unless she happens to have something in her hand when she hits. I hate that S cowers when she raises her hand and that he so easily gives up what he has to her. She still sometimes hits me but that is becoming less frequent.

When we first started timeouts I had to physically hold her in the chair. She wouldn't stay and would try to squirm away. Now she sits in the timeout chair and talks to herself. From what I gather it sounds like she is telling the story about what happened and why she is there. Most of the time there is a lot of babble and then a "no, no". (I really should get it on video... it is pretty cute even though she is in trouble.)

I'm not sure timeout is really working. I know she needs to learn other ways to get rid of her frustration and since she is not REALLY verbal, like S, she doesn't really have the words yet. I know the timeouts are designed to help her regulate her emotions and to calm herself down. I like that it also makes it so she doesn't get what she wants when she is hitting S. I also know that this is likely a stage and she will grow out of it. I sure hope it is a stage...

We have tried redirection. We have tried telling her no and redirection, but she can be very difficult to redirect once she has her mind on something.

We have definitely moved to the parenting stage and it is hard to know if what you are doing is "right".  Tonight we had friends over for dinner, while both our husbands are away at outdoor ed.  She has two little girls.  One is five days younger than S and E and the other is five.  E started out with two timeouts for hitting almost right away.  After that she didn't have any trouble.  I have noticed that when she is hungry she has shorter fuse, if I want to call it that.  She is quicker to hit.  Most days I feel like it is getting better but I just wish it would go away completely.

Next we need to work on S and his throwing of EVERYTHING.

Midweek Confessions

with E, Myself and I

 

 

I always think I have a lot to confess until I get started then I can't think of ANYTHING.  We'll see what comes to mind.

 

• Last night I went to the grocery store.  Tuesday is my late night with the babysitter.  She drops the kids off with Mr. P when his practice is done and he watches them and lets them run around his classroom then takes them home.  Is it bad that I always pick up a donut or two...or three as a treat for myself when I'm at the store?  So much for free cookies for kids, how about free donuts for moms?
• Tonight I was sure I was going to make dinner.  Something good from Pinterest that I found yesterday.  Well I finally decided on these

http://www.bettycrocker.com/Tips/TipsLibrary/Cooking-Tips/Create-Your-Own-Signature-Mini-Pie

Well the recipe for the actual pot pies isn't there so I had to make it up.  In the meantime, while I was trying to decide to stick with a made up recipe or move on, my husband came home.  We had a quick what do you want for dinner discussion and he then headed out to get pizza.  Well I had already starting dinner so I finished it.  The dinner I made was ready before he made it back but we STILL had pizza for dinner.  On a side note mini pies aren't bad...

• Mr. P took S to get pizza and left me with my baby girl.  She doesn't get much alone time because she sleeps longer than her brother.  It is the few times I only have one kid that I realize that only having one is totally different than having two.  And I think to myself, "I could do this."  Then I remember that I will NEVER just have one child.  Not that I would want to get rid of one of mine just that I think I could handle it a little bit better.
• I've realized why teacher's kids are so bad.  After dealing with almost 200 kids a day between Mr. P and I, the two of us are all out of consequences and rules when we get home.  We need to work on that.  I don't to have THOSE kids.
• The babysitter is still amazing and my house is never cleaner than when I get home from work.  How does she do it?  Maybe she isn't as distracted during the kids' nap time as I am.
• We had our first swimming lesson on Monday.  We made it, on time... but with one mad little girl.  She cried through the introduction meeting and in the locker room when we were trying to clean up.  S wouldn't even let the swim instructor hold him and he about hit her in the face with the water ball a few times.  Man that kid has a good arm and unfortunate timing.

 

 



A Case of the Mondays

It isn't Monday yet but I already know that I'll have a case of the Mondays.  The end of the weekend is hard for me.  Some weeks are easier than others.  This weekend was pretty quiet but it was good.  The hardest weeks are when we have weekends like this past weekend.  I got to spend good quality time with my kids.  We didn't really have anything planned for Saturday or Sunday, we didn't have too many errands to run and our house is FINALLY to a point where we don't have to work on it every free moment.  I spend most of my time today sitting on the floor with a baby toddler (or two) in my lap or at least within a few inches.  We read books, we played with cars, we made things out of blocks and then we did it all over again.  There wasn't much fighting (except when I left the room for too long) and everyone was pretty happy.  E even ate the chicken we had for dinner.  Overall it was a success.  These are the days I imagined when I thought about being a mom.  Quiet, peaceful days full of reading, playing and little people walking in between my legs.

**Of course I am choosing to block out the 10 minutes yesterday when I went upstairs to change and when I came back down, Mr. P , who I thought was watching the kids, didn't know where they were and we found them in the study playing with my camera.  Needless to say I now need a new lens.

Transitions

Last weekend we put S and E into their own rooms.  Mr. P wanted to separate them as soon as we moved into our new house but I felt like they needed a bit more of a transition.  Throw in back-to-school and I thought it would be better for everyone if we waited a while. 

The thought was that in their own rooms the kids would sleep more soundly and longer.  Well, nothing much has changed.  The hardest part of having both kids in the same room was how to react when one was screaming their head off not wanted to sleep.  You really can't go in and put them back in and tell them it was night night time because they'd both be up.  The other issue was that little boy is an early riser.  He starts his morning by talking in his crib.  The talking would eventually wake up his sister.  One more I heard him calling her name, well the nickname he calls her.  It was really cute but I knew it was interrupting her sleep.

Well now they really haven't had any changes in sleep.  They usually go down to sleep easily and are waking up within a few minutes of each other... still.  S does walk by E's room and will say her name as in to ask where she is.  They don't seem to miss each other but they have a Jack-n-Jill bathroom so they can see each other through the bathroom.  Once they are asleep I close it to keep out the noise. 

Overall I think the transition was really hardest on me.  I was worried they would be lonely.  They never shared a crib because S had to sleep in a Tucker Sling at at least a 45 degree angle for the first few months he was at home.  It wouldn't have worked to have them both in there.  But E slept in our room until S came home and they have been in the same room every since.  I am glad that they seemed to adjust just fine.

Sleeping S in his sling in their old nursery (He is about 3 1/2 months old in this picture.)

Failure

Today was one of those days that I feel like a failure.

The morning started off pretty good.  I got up.  The kids got up.  I finished drying my hair and getting ready and the kids played in our room.  No one lost an eye.  S didn't stick q-tips in his ears.  I made the kids breakfast.  The babysitter came and I managed to get to work on time.

Once at work I realized and remembered the feeling...failure.  I wasn't ready for the day.  I for sure wasn't/am not ready for my class to show up tomorrow.

I got home and the kids were happy.  Not so happy to see me but they were happy with the babysitter.  S was trying to get the babysitter to hold him instead of me when she was trying to leave.  I thought your kids are supposed to want you not who watches them all day... failure.

We had to go to the grocery store.  I really don't like taking both kids alone.  It is hard, really hard.  After I strapped a screaming, hitting, back arching littler girl into her car seat we were off.  (Little miss is super attached to my purse.  It is the first thing she does when I get home.)  On another note.  My little baby girl is a hitter.  Big time.  Me. Her brother. The dog.  I don't know where she learned it but it is bad.

Made it into the store.  Managed to get one child into the car cart.  When I tried to put S in with his sister I was met with more screaming...fail.  So S just got to sit in the cart and talk to me. 

We made it almost through all the shopping.  Once we hit the check out things really fell apart.  I just don't understand what they expect those of use who need the cart with seating for more than one child to do once we take them out.  Nineteen month old twins don't listen very well and it is very hard to find my shopper reward card while trying to contain the two of them.  Not to mention the fact that they didn't have a cart for my groceries to go into so I couldn't put one child in there.  And then they sent the bagger to a different line.  Argh... fail for them? 

So after corralling the two kids and trying to pay and look some what sane I attempted to put an uncooperative child into the cart.  It took only 3 tries.  Fail.

While putting E in the cart and carrying a 30 lb. S we slowly made it to the car.  Once I put S into the car I returned to the cart to find that E had found the grapes and was helping herself to them.  After yet another fit, since I had to take the grapes to put her into the car, every one in and safe.

Hitting, screaming children at the grocery store = a feeling of failure.  It was really just E, and she was hungry.  I should have avoided the store but with kids showing up at work tomorrow and back-to-school night on Thursday there just wasn't another day to do it.  Needless to say I'm going to be avoiding the store for a few weeks. 

Miscellany Monday... on a Tuesday

1. My life has been CRAZY the last month.  We went on a two week road trip to the Pacific Coast.  I had intended to write about how to travel with 18 month old twins.  Our trip included a LOT of car time, some family visits, the kids first trip to the beach, my first time to Oregon, and the kids first flight.  I guess it all comes down to this... take along a set of grandparents.  Travelling with grandparents is WONDERFUL!  They are willing to stay with the kids during nap time, they help feed them, they help push strollers, and a ton of other stuff too.
2. When we got back from our trip we had 10 days to get ready to move.  We moved into our house almost 9 years ago.  We were just newlyweds.  It was the perfect house for us then, but not now.  I intended to write a post about moving out of our first home too. 
3. We moved into our new house 11 days ago.  Since then we've painted two bedrooms, a bathroom and a family room.  I guess I shouldn't say we... I only really did touch up on one bedroom and the ceiling on the other.  The people who lived here before us were not great painters and let their teenagers do their own rooms.  Yikes!
4. Yesterday I had to go back to work.  Summer is over.  This summer's end snuck up on me.  I wasn't  am not ready for school to start.  I'm still in the organizing the new house mode.  I have a new teaching partner this year.  My old work husband teaching partner decided he wanted a change a moved schools on me.  He had been there 15 years and it was time for him to have a change.  Working with someone new is hard.  I like my new partner... another male teacher, but he isn't the old one.  (I did get an e-mail from the old teaching partner saying, "I miss my old teaching partner."  It made me tear up.  New guy will be good but I don't think he'll be as fun.)  Just a side note... I don't actually have anything against working with a female but I teach 5th grade and we had lost our ONLY male staff member and we were hoping to find another one.  New guy is great and happens to be male too.
5. Our new neighborhood is known to have a snake problem.  WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME BEFORE?!  I am very afraid of snakes.  I saw my first one today.  It was only a 6 in. garter snake but still it scared me enough to make me shriek and quickly get the kids and I inside.

My Hometown

My home town has an image problem.  Growing up I was quick to point out that even though my address is in the city, I lived the the unincorporated county.  Even though it is one of many suburbs, it has never been one with a good reputation.  Drugs and gangs are the main offense.  It is a big town and not all of it is bad.  My hometown's reputation was mostly known by others in the state, until recently.

We were in Oregon with my parents on July 20th.  We had stopped to fill up for gas when the attendant (there isn't self-service in Oregon) mentioned there had been a shooting in Aurora, Colorado.  I can't say if he mentioned how many were killed.  Near where I grew up and where my parents has just moved from is a theater.  It is within the city limits.  It is also less than a 1/2 mile from where my best friend since the 6th grade lives.  We looked for a newspaper, but it wasn't in the morning paper.  We don't have smart phones and we were headed to a National Park.  All day I worried that someone I knew was in that theater.  We worried that it was the theater down the street, knowing that there are many in Aurora.

When we finally made it home and learned the details I was relieved to learn that it was not the theater down the street but one closer to downtown Denver.  (When the names of the victims were released I didn't know any of them.  My brother did go to school with one though.)  It was the theater that my high school boyfriend worked in as a manager.  The one that I had attended many late night showings of new movies.  I learned that this tragedy happened way too close to home. 

As I got my haircut yesterday I was talking to my (new) hairdresser.  She asked where I grew up and I replied, Aurora.  I knew what would pop up next in conversation.  My hometown is no longer known for drugs and gangs but a mass murder.  She asked if it was true what the police were saying about the area.  Was it really that safe?  This was hard to answer. 

Growing up the Aurora Mall was the only mall around.  We would go there fairly regularly.  As time went on the mall and the surrounding area has changed.  During my high school years I remember my mom talking about trips to the mall and how uncomfortable she felt.  It wasn't really some place you would go late at night.  I don't think there is a place where you could expect an event like this to happen.  This is a result of a person who needs help and unfortunately people like this exist everywhere. 

I still will defend my hometown.  I have nothing but great memories growing up in Aurora, Colorado.  (Although I really didn't LIVE in the city limits.) It isn't a bad place to live.  There are amazing and wonderful people who live there.  One person should not be able to stigmatize the entire community.

Shopping

This morning I went shopping... alone.  It was heaven.  Our babysitter sends me a text once a week asking when she can get her baby fix.  It works out really well for me.  She usually just takes the kids for the morning and I go work out and just wander around town.  It is good for S and E too, so they don't forget her over the summer.

Today we have 6 house showings.  So instead of going to work out I cleaned the house for the first three.  Then I went to Barnes and Noble.  I love bookstores.  I got some coffee and wandered a little.  I was actually looking for a Carl book.  You know, the one about the Rottweiler that watches the little baby?  E loves them and I was hoping to get her one for our road trip.  No luck.

Anyway... I walked by Christopher & Banks and almost walked by but decided to go in.  I never shop there but the store is closing so I thought I might find something good.  I have been looking for the perfect denim skirt for almost 2 years.  I have a maternity one from Gap that I love but I just can't wear it unless I'm pregnant.  Well I found one in Christopher & Banks.  It is the right length (slightly below the knee), a-line and slightly stretchy.  The only downfall was that it wasn't on sale.  Oh well, I didn't want to miss finding it again so I bought it.

I headed to the Loft, hoping to find something bright to wear for our family pictures in August.  I tried on a blue sweater and grabbed these pants just for fun.  I loved them!  I couldn't justify the price and I knew they would be in the store for awhile so I'm waiting.  They were so cute.  Maybe I've been wearing the wrong style of pants.  They will look great with a simple top and with E's red flower dress for our pictures and they're dressy enough for work.

Then I went to Gymboree.  I knew they were having their sale and I was hoping to find some winter clothes for the kids.  I can't believe their dresses and sweaters were only $6.99.  I bought all this for about $50.

Now all we need is one of the 6 people to buy our house today.

Fill in the Blank Friday....

"If I could get away for the day, I would go...."

to the mountains.

We will be here in a little bit more than a week!

The heat has been brutal here, almost all summer.  Sometimes there is just nothing better than a crisp mountain breeze and feet in the river or a lake. 

Flashes

Every once in awhile I hear, read or see something that sends me right back into the NICU.  I have a tendency to follow other twim moms or soon-to-be twin moms' blogs.  I love to see other families like ours and steal any advice they have.  A mom I follow at  Balancing Act, just had her twins at 28 weeks.  Her story just took me right back to the week I was in the hospital and the days that followed. 

How I was so certain that I would be returning to work that day, even though my water had broken the night before.  How I was moved every couple of days from L&D to Women's Care and then back again, and again.  How the babies might be coming today, nope not today, maybe today... The 5 am blood draws.  Endless amounts of time hooked up to the monitors and nurses struggling to keep both babies on.  Two nights in a row of intense pain and having to reach that magic number (7) that I thought I would be willing to reach before the doctor was called for pain meds.  A nurse trying to convince me that my intense pain was just gas pain or heartburn when it really was preeclampsia and HELLP.  Finally being told that my babies were going to be born and then the waiting.  More bloodwork and more waiting. 

The day before S and E were born.

Walking into an operating room full of people but no familiar faces.  Wishing I had actually read something about c-sections so I knew what to expect.  My sister and husband finally joining me.  Worrying about my husband making it without fainting.  Finally hearing cries from E, who was a whooping 3 lbs. 8 oz., and then from S, who was 4 lbs. 10 oz.  The NICU nurses asking if I wanted to hold my baby (only S, E was too fragile) and desperately wanting to but not being able to because of reactions to the surgery.  Throwing up, almost on my sister, as they were putting me back together. 

Shaking with cold in the recovery room.  Being covered with blankets and inflatable blankets to get me warm and to stop shaking.  Finally moving to a room and being able to eat.  Asking over and over when I could finally see my babies.  FINALLY, 8 hours later, being stable enough to be wheeled into the NICU and see my babies that I had waited over 4 years to have.

 S and E's birth wasn't easy, just like getting pregnant wasn't.  The 2 months that followed weren't easy either.  I am grateful for the new mom memory and forgetting some of the hard parts.  But I still remember my first NICU breakdown.  Nurses shouldn't be able to ask if you are okay after you learn your little boy isn't coming home tomorrow because he had another brady.  I still remember the pride I felt after sucessfully calming and quieting and putting my colicky little boy back in his crib and then having to leave.  I remember trying to imagine S sleeping peacefully in his crib all day while I took care of E at home.  (S had a reputation for crying in the NICU... a lot.  My little boy is a snuggler and I can't imagine how desperatley he wanted to be held.  The nurses held him when they could but that wasn't enough.  I couldn't leave if he was crying.)

Oh the memories.  Someday they won't be so painful because we will have a lifetime of happy memories to help the painful ones fade.

Water

I grew up swimming.  My parents put me into swimming lessons when I was 6 months old.  I started swimming on a year round club team when I was 8 and didn't stop until I was 18.  I love the water.  As I have gotten older I have begun to realize how very important it was for me growing up.  The mindless laps were my meditation time.  I never thought I needed alone time until I no longer had 2-4 hours a day of silence in a pool.  My team was my family.  Middle school was really rough for me.  I know it is for a lot of girls but I often think that swimming really saved me.  I belonged there, it built my confidence, and I fit in.  I was more than happy to go to 5:30 am practices before school and then practice after school too.  My friends were there, even when I felt like I didn't have any at school.  I was the only middle schooler practicing with the high school boys team, and that builds confidence.  (It didn't help "the boy" was on the team too.)  Swimmers aren't really known for being the "popular" crowd.  It is hard to be cool and attend all the social things when you have practice Friday night and Saturday morning.  Not to mention 3 day meets out of town.  It gave me excuses to not drink and do all those things that high schoolers do.  I might not have been strong enough to say no on my own but it gave me a great excuse.  It helped that my swimmer friends weren't into that either.  So the water has always been a comfort to me.

Mr. P on the other hand struggles in the water.  I tried to help him learn to swim and a couple of summers ago he finally was able to jump into the deep end.  Granted I had to be there, just in case but I was proud that he had overcome his fear.  My sister-in-law and her husband also live on a lake so our visits to them include boating and water sports.  Mr. P is able to enjoy all of that with a little liquid courage and a life jacket.

So saying all this before S and E were born Mr. P and I would talk about what sports the kids would play.  No soccer, baseball, or gymnastics... maybe basketball and volleyball.  All that being said if they want to play, we will let them.  Well when they were still in the NICU, S often had As and Bs.  This is part of the reason he was there for nearly 8 weeks.  It took awhile for the doctors to find out it was all being caused by reflux.  We always joked that S was just working on holding his breath because he is going to be a swimmer.  As S has gotten older it seems as though he and I come from the same pool.  (Ha ha...)  My boy LOVES the water and I love that. 

On Father's Day we had a picnic by a river and after throwing many rocks we got in.  Now this is mountain stream water so it isn't warm but S threw a giant fit when we tried to take him out.  He was in seventh heaven sitting and splashing in the water and grabbing rocks from the bottom to throw. 


He ended up with just his t-shirt on.  The shorts had to go.

He has always loved the pool.  He tries to blow bubble but really just licks the water.  He loves to splash.  The first time we went swimming his dad even took him under a waterfall.  His sister on the other hand screamed the whole time she was in the water.

A couple of days ago we were watching some older kids and we thought it would be fun to get the plastic kids pool out.  Well, Mr. P decided to get the sprinkler first.  It was still mid-morning and not too warm and I wasn't sure I wanted the kids wet yet.  Well, once the water was on S and the dog were in it.  In minutes S was dripping wet.  He happily played in the sprinkler and then in the pool until it was time to get out.  He was the only one, out of the 4, who actually sat down in the water.  Last time we played in the little pool he spent the whole time laughing hysterically at our dog, who loves to "catch" splashes.  Those two will have YEARS of fun in the water together. 

Notice the very dry little girl next to him.  She eventually got in but she wasn't so sure about the sprinkler. 



I'm excited for the years to come of spending time in the water.  I hope that as the kids get bigger and learn to swim that they still find joy in getting wet.  I hope they are never fearful, but cautious and careful around the water.  Most of all I hope they find a little slice of the comfort and calm in the water that I found growing up.  If S decides to be a swimmer I will do my best to get him to early morning practices and sit through DAYS of meets to watch him swim for a total of 5 minutes because I know how important time in the water can be.  If he just wants to play in it that is fine with me too.



Memories

Every day I think of all of the posts that I will write once the kids get in bed.  I sit down, I open Blogger, and I'm completely blank.  S and E are growing at alarming rates and I'm so worried that if I don't write things down I won't remember what it is like right now.  I want to remember everything.  I don't know if it is because this may be my only chance to experience having a toddler and I'm afraid I'll miss it or what, but I might make myself crazy over it.

This is what I want to remember from the last couple of days:

• Today we went and watched a basketball game and E was so excited.  She sat on the bench attentively and watched the players, pointed out the ball and tried to flirt with the refs.  But only for about 10 minutes.  But during those 10 minutes it was pretty stinking cute.  S also was very intrigues by the game.  This kid can find a ball even if it is hidden like Waldo.  (You know Where's Waldo?)  Anyway sometimes he will point out a ball and I'll have to search the room, store, etc to find out what he is talking about.  And I always find something spherical, that he is calling a ball.  This was not their first game, and won't be their last.  My husband coaches high school basketball so the kids went to many games during the winter, but were really too little to get into them.  I can't wait for next winter.  We'll hope for 15 minutes of bench sitting and attentive watching.  :-)
• Also today we went to Sam's Club.  This is pretty much a weekly event at our house.  Tonight you two were feeling a little ornery.  I think it had something to do with just a morning nap and then a couple of short car naps and being away from home all afternoon.  As you were sitting in the awesome two seated cart you would alternate whacking each other on the head and then hitting your own head when we would remind you to be gentle to your brother/sister as if to say, "It doesn't hurt, look, I'll do it to myself."  Then we'd tell you to hug your brother/sister and E would put her arm around S and S would lean into her and snuggle for a second and then be back to whacking each other.  If one of you would just cry when you got hit on the head perhaps we could get you to stop.  I'm sure other parents would appreciate learning that lesson but the two of you don't seem to be bothered by it.
• On Monday we went and looked at a house we thought would be ours, if only they didn't accept an offer the day we were going to submit one.  Oh well, there is a better one out there.  Hopefully the one we see tomorrow!  Back to the story... the house is empty and we brought the two of you with us to look at it a second time.  You two didn't know what to do with yourselves and an empty house.  You giggled and ran all over that house.  Then we had enough of that you opened all of the drawers and cabinets.  Then you went up and down the stairs and up and down the stairs in the master bathroom.  Then we went to gymnastics where you ran and climbed over everything too.  E, you made friends with the teacher, and she was nice enough to pay attention to you.  Maybe she wants to be your friend too.  She even held you while she spread out the parachute.  I think you like her because she helps you do forward rolls.  (Not somersaults, but forward rolls.)
• After gymnastics we went swimming.  We were already in the rec center so it was free!  Yippee!  And I got peed on, by little Miss E.  Little stinker, this has NEVER happened to me in the first 17 months of her life.  Dad sure thought it was funny though, since a couple of days before I got peed on by S.

Neil Patrick Harris and Oprah

One of the few shows I remember watching growing up was Doogie Howser.  I have always loved Neil Patrick Harris, NPH.  I don't have a reason why other than he is funny and seems to be more "real" than many other Hollywood celebrities.  I absolutely love How I Met Your Mother and Barney is that much more funny because of the fact that NPH is gay and Barney is so not.

I remember reading about his twins in one of the million People magazines that I read during doctor's appointments while I was pregnant.  I had kind of forgotten since then but I was excited when I saw that they would be on Oprah.  I watched the interview while I slowly folded and put away my winter sweaters.  There seemed to be a few things that really resonated with me.

First this...

The first was when NPH was talking about the first 6 -9 months of his twin's life.  It was like he was in our house and describing my husband.  My husband struggled and still does with the crying.  He doesn't know what to do, it makes him uncomfortable and in turn it just makes it worse.  He too, was is waiting for those days when he can take them out and just play together.

Then this...

Although they are describing what same-sex couples go through to have a child, it is not too much different from what those of us with infertility go through.  Our children were prayed for, hoped for, and so wanted that we went through a lot in order to have them too.  The social implications later in life won't be there but they should still know how much we wanted them and what we did in order to have them. 

Miscellany Monday

1. I'm thinking of skipping Mother's Day for me next year.  My husband doesn't seem to think it is a real holiday.  No present.  Not even a card.  I sure hope when the kids get older he helps them pick out a card for me.  I'll happily continue to celebrate with my mom though.
2. Summer is coming!  Summer is coming!  My 5th graders are more than ready and I have to say I'm ready to see them go too.  We have all kinds of changes happening at work for next year.  New principal, new teaching partner(s) and maybe a combination class. 
3. Today we went to the park and had dinner then fed the geese.  Well really just one goose came to us, but that one goose got as much bread as S and E did. 
4. I think I've killed my first plant of the season.  It barely made it into the pot.  I'm hoping for a miraculous recovery. 

Balloon Boy

Nope not talking about that balloon boy... For S and E's first birthday I sent Daddy to the store to pick up last minute food and added balloons to the list. I didn't think he would really pick any up and if I did I wasn't sure what to expect. Well he did come home with two balloons... one blue and one orange. We know a store manager and the Broncos had just lost a playoff game the day before and the balloons were free. I guess I need to be more specific next time. So we had these balloons and the kids really hadn't been around any before so we didn't know what to expect. S was terrified. He wanted nothing to do with the balloons. E on the other hand thought they were great.

Well those balloons lasted for at least 3 weeks. They were just normal balloons but they must have had something added. We had them FOREVER! This turned out to be a good thing because those balloons started to grow on S. He slowly warmed up to them and then it became more than just a tolerance, he loved those balloons. He liked to hold on to the string, hit them and swing them around. Well finally they popped I let the air out of them.

 

Well last week our babysitter,  brought over a balloon that she gave her dad for his birthday but he let the kids keep. Our baby boy is back in balloon love. He walks ALL over the house holding on to that balloon. So next time he needs a present I know just what to get him. That boy loves balloons.  (His sister is another story.)

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a lot like a birthday. I want to do something fun and different but I don't have any ideas. I struggle with coming up with the "perfect day", mostly because it would need to be more than 24 hours long. So here is a list of things I'd like to do to celebrate Mother's Day and what I don't want to do.
I want to:

1. Go to breakfast. This is one of those things that we rarely, if ever do. I didn't use to be a breakfast out person but once I go pregnant with S and E I craved breakfast food. So, a little breakfast food is a great way to be reminded of those cravings of French toast, eggs, pancakes... Sam's Club was also out of my coffee syrup so we'll need to get coffee somewhere in the morning. Done.  We made it to breakfast at about 8.  We ended up having to wait but not for too long.  S and E were kept busy by walking around the outside of the restaurant.
2. Take a nap. I'd love to sleep in but it would interfere with going to breakfast. Luckily during the weekend I can usually get at least one nap a day in. The last couple of days have been dreary and perfect napping weather. We will see what tomorrow brings.  Check it off the list. 
3. Snuggle with my babies. This morning E woke up crying at about 6:15. She normally isn't the first one up and doesn't usually cry when she gets up. I was able to snuggle with her in our bed and she went back to sleep. We used to do this a lot when the kids were still little. We don't get many morning snuggles anymore. They would much rather be playing than sleeping in bed. I miss my snuggle time and would love more tomorrow.  S was up early.  I managed to get him to snuggle for about 15 minutes.  He seemed a little out of sorts tonight.  He didn't eat much at dinner.  I sure hope he is okay.
4. Do something new with the kids. I have no idea what this would be or if we'll do anything but I love it when we get to introduce them to something new. A couple of weeks ago it was feeding the ducks. They didn't really feed the ducks because S ate every piece of bread we gave him to feed to the ducks, but the idea was there. Then the geese showed up. I was saying, "Honk, Honk" like the geese and S grabbed his nose. Silly boy... he made the connection to what we've been saying when he grabs our noses.  Ran out of time and ideas for this one.
5. Spend time with my mom.  My mom and I got some time to do some shopping before dinner tonight.  A nearby very small town has a store that is only open one weekend a month and this was the weekend!  I found a cute neckalace and bracelet.  We then headed to HomeGoods which just opened in our town last weekend.  We then went to dinner with my dad and Mr. P and the kids.

I don't want to:

1. Do laundry.  Boo... had to do laundry.  Still waiting on a load to finish as I type this.  That is why I'm awake and not in bed.
2. Worry about work. (I will have to because I'm probably taking Monday off and I will need to make sub plans.)  I worried about work and spent too much time deciding if I was going to take the day off.  I couldn't get myself to go in a make sub plans (I took a nap instead) so I will be working tomorrow. 
3. Clean. I don't want to pick up or clean cups. These are two of my least favorite "mom" duties. I put mom in quotes because Daddy usually cleans all the sippy cups. I trained him early.  Success!
4. Change poopy diapers because it is just not my favorite. Couldn't get out of this one either.

Current Favorite...

Midweek Confessions

• I've never done one of these but here we go. - Occasionally we'll run out of clean pjs for S and he has to wear his sister's. He's such a cute little girl though.

Sorry buddy...

• Now that my husband is home by dinner time we eat out a lot.  I always have great intentions but when dinner time gets here I'm too tired (or lazy) to cook. 
• My little girl's baby fangs are kind of growing on me.  They've gone from little nubs to big teeth lately and they are becoming more noticeable.  I guess it is just something else that makes her unique.  (I've been trying to get a picture of them for WEEKS!)

•  School is out in 3 and a half weeks and I can barely stand it.  It is taking everything in me not to take some of the part time positions availabe at my building.  I think they would be heavenly. 
• I'm worried about my laundry this summer.  Our babysitter/nanny usually puts away the kid clothes on Monday.  I sure hope we don't have to dress them out of the laundry hamper all summer long.
•  I LOVE taking mommy and baby pictures.  They'd be a lot better with out up close mom in them but still so cute.

• I'm hooked on SMASH and I'm afraid I might be the only one.  I never was a fan of Glee but I do love musicals.  It seems like every week Katharine McPhee sings this amazing song and I look all over to try and buy it and you can't.  So frustrating.  Here is my current favorite:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Svof1bouXDk

Green Eyed Monster

My friend who went through IVF shortly after me and who has a beautiful little girl, is pregnant. It was a surprise and natural and I am beyound jealous. I'm happy, so very happy for her but incredibly jealous. I want to be pregnant again too.

Easter

Growing up we attended church sporadically. My siblings and I were active in sports...mostly swimming and so we spent many, many weekends away at meets. My parents weren't really religious but passed on traditional "Christian" values. Other words they taught us to be good, kind members of society.

Fast forward about 10 years... I met my husband in college. Well that is not entirely true. We met online, AOL Instant Messenger to be exact. You know, back in the day, when you could search for people. Anyway, we "talked" and we found that we had similar values. The funny thing is that our church backgrounds are very different. You see, my husband grew up Mormon. His parents are still practicing and so is one of his other 3 siblings. He hasn't attended church since he left home.

During our time before kids (12 years...wow, I hadn't thought it about that way before) we talked a lot about raising our kids in a church. We both like the sense of community and the values that are taught and hopefully modeled. Also, it never hurts to surround them with other families who think the same way. That being said, neither one of us really is into going to church or becoming very involved.

After I left home my parents became more active in churches. My dad even worked for one once he retired. They, of course, would love for us to attend and belong to one. After they moved up to our town last fall they have been church shopping and recently have found one that fits what they are looking for. We have attended twice with them. (Neither time has gone well for little girl, bawling both times when we picked them up. Service times don't really work well with our nap/eating schedules.) The hardest part about coming from different church backgrounds is that what feels "normal" to my husband and I is completely different. Guitars and modern music not so normal for the husband. BUT he does really like the pastor at my parents new church.

So all this is a lot of background about church today. I find that I cry frequently at church. Something just gets to me. (In the past it has been about Mother's Day, no fun.) Today they had a video clip of a couple at the church who happen to be in the church band. They spoke about their twin boys who were in the NICU and how they looked to God during that hard time. I felt like it was directed to me. Then they sang this song:



Cue the tears...
"Oh, my baby, when you're older
Maybe then you'll understand
You have angels to dance around your shoulders
'Cause at times in life you need a helping hand"

There are certain times in my life when I did look to a higher power. I had to let all of it go, let someone else be in control. That was hard for me when all I wanted was a baby. Or when all I wanted was to stay pregnant for a little longer. I couldn't do anything about it so I didn't worry. Laying in the hospital with my water broken at 32 weeks pregnant, I just let it go. What would be, would be. Waiting, for those almost 8 horrible weeks for S to come home... ugh. I often feel like my babies are a gift from God. I know, I know...but they are a blessing. And I know they have someone looking out for them.

Just Thoughts...

After awhile of struggling with infertility I started to hear about friends and acquaintances that had miscarriages. I've always thought that it was better to be a never than a was. I can't imagine the pain and heartbreak that a miscarriage would cause. To have your hopes and dreams and future being planned and then taken from you. Heartbreaking.

I have 3 high school friends, that I know of, that have lost babies. No, not due to a miscarriage but shortly after they were born. The most recent, a 3 week old to apendicitis. I haven't talked to her since high school but from what I know this little boy was not an accident but an answer to prayers. Prayers 3 years in the making. My heart aches for her. I cannot imagine the grief that she feels. To have, and to have held and cared for and loved this little boy and all that he was to become... ugh. Heartwrenching.

I read stories (they're all over on blogs) and I just cry. Being a mother I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child, at any age.

I'm so thankful to have these two beautiful, spunky, funny little people. I am constantly reminded how lucky I am.

Sugar and Spice

Having a little girl is a wonderful thing, but I never imagined myself a mom to a daughter. When I found out I was pregnant with twins I was sure that I was going to have boys. Growing up I always imagined having boys. I always thought it would be wonderful to have boys and girls but I didn't think it would happen. I've never been a girly girl. I never really played with dolls, more stuffed animals. I never wore make-up until I went to college. (Even now I'm good if I manage to put on mascara before I leave the house.) Sometimes I'm more comfortable in a group of men rather than women.

And have you noticed all the things that can be done with a little girls hair?

(from http://www.grosgrainfabulous.com/search?updated-max=2011-05-31T10%3A23%3A00-04%3A00&max-results=20)

This makes my heart beat faster and my palms get sweaty. I've NEVER been able to braid. I really tried when I was younger but pretty much gave up. How am I ever going to be able to do a cute little hair do on my little girl? I guess I need to start practicing.

Weekend Morning Breakfast

Growing up my mom would make us cottage cheese pancakes. I know, gross right? Well, no, they are actually really good and good for you. I guess we were typical kid eaters and she was always looking for a way to get us to eat more protein. Now that my kids are at that age we have been looking for ways to give them more protein too.

I tell ya, these things are LOVED at my house. S and E ate a combined 8, last Sunday. Yes, my 14 month old twins ate 8 pancakes. Granted these aren't as big as normal pancakes and are lighter too but still, you can't cut them up fast enough. They are light and creamy and great with applesauce or with bananas mixed in.

I recently inherited the recipe book that they came from complete with magazine clippings from my mom. The book is called Feed Me I'm Yours and I guess it is still in print.

So funny...

Spring Rocks!

It feels like spring in my neck of the woods. I know we can expect a huge snow storm at any time, but for now I'm sure enjoying the 70 degree weather. S and E are enjoying it too.

After an at least 3 month long hiatus from the outdoor world they are rediscovering nature. S now cries if you try to go outside without him. He will try to crawl out the sliding glass door when I let the dog out. He is an deck loving almost 14 month old. E on the other hand likes to go outside but isn't as adamant as her brother.

They have also discovered rocks. I should have known that toddlers love rocks, being an elementary school teacher and even 5th graders love rocks. Last week we sat next to the driveway and played with the rocks for at least 15 minutes. S rolled them down the driveway, banged them together, and tasted them. E, being the little girl that she is, just picked them up and put them down.

I foresee many warms days sitting in the rocks. As long as they don't hit each other with them or throw them at each other I will be happy to sit there.

(We've also dusted off our wonderful jogging stroller for some walks!)

Wow... long break

I just recently refound this missing blog. I couldn't remember my URL and definetely couldn't remember the password. I have been feeling like I'm censoring what I'm writing on my "family" blog and I felt like I needed a place to write freely. All of this happens to be why I started this blog in the first place.

Here is a quick update of the last almost 2 years:
I got pregnant... with twins.
A boy and a girl
They were born 6.5 weeks early (E's water broke, I then went on hospital bedrest for about a week and then I developed pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome.)
Little girl, E, was in the NICU for about 3 weeks.
Little boy, S, was in for almost 8.
They are now almost 14 months old and doing wonderfully.

I LOVE LOVE being a mom. I still have to work, full time, but I'm so happy when I come home and I have two of the best distractions. They are silly, silly people at this age. Babbling and SCREAMING, but oh so fun.